For some children, friendships will develop naturally over time. However, some children may require support and assistance in making friends. The following tips can help families offer support and encouragement to assist their child in forming and maintaining friendships.
Tip 1: Identify interests
It is important to help your child identify their own areas of interest. For some, this may be an easy task—they may have already developed a favorite toy or activity. For children who have not yet demonstrated obvious areas of interest, provide them with opportunities to engage in various activities. This may help them gain new interests. Your child may prefer to:
- Build with Legos®, paint, color, or other open-ended
- Engage in a board game, or other structured
- Engage in sports, a game of tag, or other physical
Your child doesn’t have to engage in these activities independently to be considered an area of interest. For example, if your child loves to play baseball but needs assistance holding the bat due to fine motor challenges, baseball could still be considered an interest.
Tip 2: Identify Peers
Once your child’s interest is known, the next step is to find peers with similar interests.
Ask your child which classmates like dinosaurs, Legos®, coloring, etc. If they are unable to verbally identify their peers, use pictures of their peers to accomplish this. (Their teacher may be able to provide a picture of each student for this purpose.)
If your child is unable to identify peers who share common interests, ask the teacher for assistance. A conversation with the teacher is all that is needed. You might explain to the teacher that your child is really interested in dinosaurs and ask if any other students share that interest. If there is no other student who shares that interest area, ask the teacher what the other students like or play with. You can explore those areas with your child.
Tip 3: Engaging Peers
Once you have identified peers who share a common interest, encourage your child to play with them. Your child may feel comfortable enough to seek out that peer and ask them to play dinosaurs. But many young children have not yet developed the confidence to do this.
To help, give your child a special toy or book related to their interest to share with their peers. If sharing is a challenge for your child, have them bring in duplicates of their items. For example, have them bring in two T. rex figures instead of one. Even a child who hasn’t expressed interest in that area may want to engage with your child because there is something new and different.
Your child may still prefer to play next to a peer, instead of interacting with them. This is a very common developmental stage for very young children and toddlers! Some children may be able to engage in interactive and imaginative play, while others may not have yet developed this skill.
You can encourage your child to play next to another child. It is important to meet the child where they are. Don’t force interaction, as this may lead to a meltdown. Allow your child to become comfortable with the peer and the activity before intervening.
Tip 4: Promoting Playtime
The next step is to provide your child with ample opportunities to engage with the identified peer.
Promote interactions outside of a school or early learning setting. When your child can play in other settings, such as the park, this allows you to facilitate and monitor their interactions.
If you already know the peer’s family, feel free to reach out to them. A simple text, email, or phone call can help.
If you don’t know the peer’s family, get to know them. You may even make a new friend, too. Introduce yourself to them at an early learning or school activity. “Hi! You must be Anna’s mom. I understand your daughter likes dinosaurs. So does mine.” It may take a few casual conversations before you feel comfortable enough to consider setting up a playdate.
Schedule initial playdates for a neutral site, such as a park or playground. This takes off the pressure of feeling that you must host and entertain. Also, if your child becomes overstimulated, you can leave.
If your child has emotional, behavioral, or physical challenges, you may want to disclose this information to the peer’s family. Often, families are very receptive and understanding. For example, explaining that your child has sensory concerns and gets frightened by loud noises allows the family to plan accordingly for future interactions. They may discourage their child from the giant T. rex toy that makes a roar. Another example would be letting the family know your child has issues with motor skills and is unable to climb the slide at the playground. They can then encourage their child to stick with the swings or other equipment. This allows the child and the family to understand that although your child may have some different needs and abilities, they can still have a fun and engaging experience.
It’s essential to remember that there is no definitive formula for friendship. There are numerous factors involved—interests, social skills, personality types, schedules, proximity, and so on. Friendships often start when some or all these factors align.
No two friendships are exactly alike. Each friendship is as unique as the people it involves. If you have a child who is nonverbal, their friendships will look different from those of another child who frequently talks.
But that doesn’t make those friendships any less fulfilling for those involved.
Children of all abilities and needs benefit from peer interaction and meaningful friendships. The Arc of Pennsylvania’s Include Me program promotes the inclusion of all children in academic, social, and recreational activities, enabling them to form meaningful friendships.
More Resources
For more information on facilitating inclusive friendships, please visit the following websites:
- Helping Your Child Build Meaningful Friendships (University of Michigan)
- Helping children make friends: What parents can do (Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School)
- Promising Practices to Support Friendships in Inclusive Classrooms
- Foraging Special Friendships: How to Plan an Inclusive Playdate (Calgary’s Child)
- Supporting Young Children’s Friendships (Illinois Early Learning Project)